HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEARS THAT HELP AND FEARS THAT HINDER.
Learning to tell the difference between a FEAR that says... FUCK NO I won't do that NOT okay with me. NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO
and a fear that says... "Yikes!...I can think of a lot of reasons not to to do this!!! but maybe I ACTUALLY WANT TO...???" ... Has been one of the hardest won lessons of my life. (that I still have to practice)
One of these fears says FUCK NO -THATS NOT ME and the other says OH FUCK- I WISH THAT WAS ME....BUT I AM TO SCARED TO MAKE IT ME!!!!
the first fear says NO to idea in question. and YES to THE TRUTH IN ME
the second one says NO to WHO I WANT TO BE and YES to the "what ifs" that could happen to me...
Take my trip to Europe with MY PARENTS and MY NEW BOYFRIEND I was TERRIFIED to bring a new BF all the way to Europe with my wacky family!!!!!!!! Talk about potential relationship KILLER!!! It took 3 crying convos with my mom and several crying convos with said BF to convince myself to book the tickets despite my very probable fears. On the day of our flight I was Paralyzed with fear that required constant nurturing.
Ended up being one of the most intimate exciting trips of my life.
And this recent example... to care for 2 kittens even though my whole life I have hated (and feared) CATS... What an emotional mess I became when these mini kitty tornados took over my household! But now..after much effort and self reflection...I CANNOT imagine life without them. WHAT A GIFT!!!!!!
So......if I had followed my fears...in both these circumstances...I would have MISSED THE FUCK OUT....and certainly not expanded past them....into the person I am proud to be NOW.
But what about those times when the HELL NO feeling is a solid boundary supporting the truth in you? What about the NO feeling that's a warning to be heeding??
Here is some inquiry that helps me tell the difference...
1. When I feel a NO ...but feel OBLIGATED or COERCED into saying YES .....choose NO..... And communicate how this NO is standing for your personal value system, even if it brings discomfort. I have learned I would rather the discomfort from speaking my NO then the discomfort (and self betrayal) from sitting through a YES that was LYING.
Obligation that crosses boundaries will never satisfy anyone anyway because you're teaching people to connect and care for a FALSE YOU... and that's an inevitable, eventual NO WIN SITUATION.
BUT..... 2. When I feel the NO...and recognize it's because I feel insecure about not being capable enough... then choose YES YES YES YES!!!... and ask for support in that YES from whoever is able... ASK FOR SUPPORT to live the NEW YOU!!!!! ( that's very important...)
Also... there is this loophole...
3. When I feel the NO...and everything in me says NO.... I often wait before deciding ...but continue to communicate my NO with those involved. I get curious about my NO openly...BECAUSE...maybe the NO is there to inspire intimate conversation with each other... maybe the NO is looking for support and understanding not necessarily direction. Maybe when I am honoured in my NO.... I won't need it as much. Sometimes it absolutely dissolves once it is truly heard. ( I like it when that happens!!!!)
but....what about when you JUST DON"T KNOW
that's when I pray...
4. I say...."Jane....take a moment to bask in the (fake it till you make it) feeling of clarity and surety. You remember what that feels like?? It's happened before.... Feels Good right?? BASK IN THAT FEELING EVEN THOUGH THE CLARITY HASN"T COME YET.
YES...I ask for help from my invisible guidance system... " Holy spirit/higher self/divine truth (whatever you call it) ...I give this decision up to you. I know that in the future I will feel clear and sure about this confusing issue because you are here to help me. Obviously since I don't feel clear yet.... All the info I need has not manifested so I patiently await your incremental guidance . I will TRUST and Await your direction in joyful humble anticipation."
Works for me!