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Defense Means Stop

Defense means stop.

When in conflict with someone...

Defense means stop and reestablish safety,

before we go on trying to air our upset.

When we are sharing painful information with each other...


you or I become defensive...

why not slow down,


and re-establish safety before we go on...?

We're dealing with the most sensitive

traumatized parts of one another,

so it makes sense to go slow.

It makes sense that defense will come up.

I think it wise to expect it,

and even prepare for it.

I've learned to let the other person know,

before we open the "can of conflict worms" between us that....

"My intention in facing this conflict together

is to create a safe/ loving experience

where we learn how to care for one another.

If defense comes up

I commit to stopping

and hearing from our fears.

I commit to providing the safety our fears are asking for "

( I even write it on paper before we engage...

in big bold letters

with a sharpie

so it's easy for both of us to see)

If that's the honest goal behind this tough conversation....what's the hurry?

If defense comes up...

I commit to stopping and listening,

instead of blundering forward

pushing for an outcome...

I want us both to feel

connected &

confident enough,

to move into these troubled waters together.

Because I want to LEARN from this CONFLICT!!


( Such an irony that I need to feel safe enough to be dangerous with you)

What kinds of things could


need to hear?

"I am not a bad person if I don't agree with you"

"My perception of this conflict is complex

and I want to trust you will be patient and committed enough to understand me...even if it takes time..."

" We can experience this situation differently without having to make one of us...WRONG...we can both be right and both be wrong in different ways about the same conflict"

" I am afraid if I apologize ...My own hurt in this conflict won't be acknowledged."

Stuff like that maybe???

Defense means stop and listen

and commit to recreating safety

right from the spot the defense has landed us in.


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