In Conflict discussion...take turns
If you are in a conflict discussion with someone...make sure you take turns. Don't try and unravel both upsets at the same time that will inevitably turn into a "you did this!!!" "but you did THIS!!!" "you hurt me...!!!!" " only after you hurt me first!!!" " NOOOOOO way!!!!! YOU HURT MEEEEEEE FIRST!!!!"
and so on... escalating until stalemate-attack-and cut off over shadow all loving impulse to listen and connect
BOTH UPSETS ARE EQUALLY VALID and UNDERSTANDABLE
Tiffany goes first and says... "when you did this I felt like this...." Tiffany gets all the time she needs to express her Yucky feelings about what Travis did last night.
And Travis says... "I hear that you felt this way.... that must have sucked for you."
and Tiff says " YUP! it did...you feel me?"
and so on...until Tiff has shared her beef completely.
and then its Trav's turn. and Tiff gets to reflect the hurt feelings
"Ahhhhhh," says Tiff. " I get how that must have confused you!!!!" " thank you Tiffany...it really helps relax me that you see that."
NO ONE can be heard if everyone is in pain ALL AT ONCE.
You gots to take turns being hurt.
Both people have to agree to LISTEN like an angel while the other one fits and sobs like a toddler.
there is a toddler and an angel inside everyone of us. If you can't access the angel..you're always emoting If you can't find the toddler ..you're always care-taking.
So Please....Take turns lovers of love!!! Take turns!!!!
Tiffany says..."My turn to listen like an angel"
"Here comes my inner toddler!!! " squeals Travis
....there is never a right way to feel. Only a more productive incusive way to share those feelings.
upset never happens in isolation. There is almost always a domino effect collision of hurt feelings for everyone involved.
therefore the only way to solve the car wreck of upset is like you're a doctor on an operating table...slowly...one ow-ee at a time.