Healing relationship Hurts
This is the most important part of friendship
if you don't like something I've said or done If I've hurt you ....
I want to hear about it. I MUST hear about it.
...I want to be able to hear the EXACT way your mind and heart perceived my actions
So I can know you better. So better to love you.
If I avoid this trouble I will be going backwards in the journey of knowing you and in turn... knowing myself through you
AND....there MUST BE A PERFECT REASON you felt hurt by me...
to MY HURT... at the very same time... in the very same conversation/situation you seemed CRAZY IRRATIONAL DELUSIONAL to have reacted to me that way!!!! WTF is your problem? I should not have to deal with this!!!!!
If I am ever to learn to love you better... I must take for granted that your feelings are valid and very personal for you They make perfect sense based on the domino effect of your entire life If I ask and listen... I will see... they make perfect sense to me toooooo... if i were you.
So if I want to continue to know you... I must commit to Understanding where my actions left you... and what they remind you of from when you were young and you weren't cared for the way you should have been
AND...At the same time you speak to me... honouring your feelings of upset At.... that....exact....same.... time... . Please deer friend consider that I had a reason for my agitation / impatience / upset that made sense to me too ... right alongside you ... but totally (or at least somewhat) different than yours
MY HURT met YOUR HURT by surprise in ways we couldn't possibly predict or control
How innocent our hurt actually truly always is...
So after I hear your story of that time and you hear mine please KNOW that it doesn't mean your experience is invalid because I was being hurt for my own internal confusion map at the exact same time Even though I saw you as rude and sharp As you saw me as spastic and weak
The truth will always be... if we are patient and trusting enough to keep going.. keep going through the reactions!!! the attacks!!! the defense!!! the cut offs!!! ahhhhhhh !!!!! the UNRAVELING !!!! (which can be MESSY AF but keep going... keep going!!!!) Keep trying... until suddenly the small child behind the defense can be heard she/he will always break your heart right open when you hear them because our inner children never want to fight...they always feel very lonely and longing when the adults in us refuse to listen.
I have never realized that... I can be deeply hurt by what you are doing and STILL be curious about how you are feeling.
I didn't realize... I can have firm boundaries AND be gentle in my delivery- paying total attention to how your heart receives my NO NO NO. I love realizing this now.
Now my inner kid (that loves to be with your inner kid) can see that... when the adults fight it doesn't mean cut-off...it can mean deeper intimacy and understanding of each other. I love getting to know you better and better with each dedicated upset. I love you friend. Especially the tender parts that scare me enough to keep trying to grow kinder.