I judge people every second.
Nothing wrong with discrimination and choice.
I discern that you are to
dangerous/grumpy/self absorbed to my liking
and I will PEACEFULLY remove myself from your sphere of influence.
Or I judge you as compelling/creative/interesting and I will eagerly invest in exchanging with you
Others will judge me the same...and they will be right...for them...at that time.
Seems like a healthy system to me. We can't all invest in everyone...we have to discern...to judge...
When judgement gets in the way of feeling at peace ...that's a problem I would like to discuss (and the reason I created the exercise below...)
I've noticed that my judgments towards others can sometimes cause physical discomfort for myself.
My heart beats faster
I experience anxiety at the thought of seeing this person
I feel like my body is full of venom when I think of them etc...
This kind of judgement keeps me from reacting spontaneously to my environment.
My mind gets stuck in a loop of negativity which can feel very debilitating.
Basically my judgements end up shrinking my brain!...my mind becomes small, tight, and closed to receiving new information.
small minded...and small hearted...OH NO!..
I did not like where this judgement was taking me....
Then someone asked me..." but when is Judgement helpful in keeping you safe and free from toxic relationship?" Great fucking question...
I think the difference is in how I feel in my own body when I observe my judgement.
I can judge someone as cruel and decide I don't want to be around them.
And then I CAN LET GO...leaving them to their toxic ways whilst I return my mind to brighter reflections
OR CAN I ???
If my judgement becomes LOCKED in my body
as the only truth I am able to experience about this person
If it's keeping me from feeling joyful and expansive in my body....
or if judgement is keeping me from receiving new information...
( like maybe my friends don't agree with me entirely and they are afraid to tell me?) Mmmmmmmm....???
That's when my judgement has turned from helpful to harmful.
most of all
So here is an exercise that helps release me from toxic judgement
and learn to enjoy those
I love to "hate."
1. list something you judge about this person
2. notice how you also dislike this about yourself but perhaps form a different angle. ( this one is tricky but ALWAYS applies...it may not seem directly correlated but trust the science of endless connection.... it still applies. Don't stop digging till you find the inner self-blame that is somehow the same**)
3. expand your mind to find the benefits of these qualities that you judge
Because essentially and exactly literally...the thing you are judging and then learning to love is inside your body.
Here is an example using someone I have judged...
1. "My friend often talks over me and dominates social situations. She acts like she is having more fun than everyone else and it feels so overpowering."
2. yes I feel shame about these qualities in myself. ( describe the circumstances) " I am at work and I feel like I am embarrassing myself by being to loud or childish. Why can't I be calmer and cooler so that people don't think I am such a weirdo???"
3. " your excitement inspires people to be animated and expressive/ you are helping me address my insecurity and jealousy with your reflection/ You are giving me permission to be excited about life/ I don't have to be excited all the time.... It's lovely to be the less excited person because I can develop my observation skills and support skills /you remind me that coolness is overrated and that joy is where it's at"
Number 3 is about creating the world you want to live in
and by "world" I mean...
the inner world of your thoughts and feelings.....you may have to trick yourself into looking for what is not readily presented ( ie:finding someone beautiful and worthy of love even though they are wasted , puking on your driveway, and owe you money..)
I call it emotional brain gym...it's tricky and icky at first...
but if you are anything like me...you will thank you for it!
Be a MIND NINJA and TRAIN YOUR BRAIN!
*** if, when attempting to do the exercise, you find yourself WANTING TO REMAIN PISSED OFF
it means you're not done purging the upset....there is still more crap to come out...it goes in waves...so don't fret or blame yourself....acknowledge where you are...there is no hurry or urgency...
but you can ask yourself....
what am I getting from holding on to this attacking judgement? (ie..I get to feel better then someone...I get to feel like a victim....I get to be the center of attention...I get to stay in my comfortable pattern instead of thinking something new...??? etc...)