Healing relationship Hurts

March 14, 2019

This is the most important part of friendship

if you don't like something I've said or done
If I've hurt you ....

I want to hear about it. I MUST hear about it.

In detail.

...I want to be able to hear the EXACT way your mind and heart perceived my actions

So I can know you better. 
So better to love you.

If I avoid this trouble I will be going backwards in the journey of knowing you
and in turn...
knowing myself through you

AND....there MUST BE A PERFECT REASON you felt hurt by me...

even though...

to MY HURT... 
at the very same time...
in the very same conversation/situation
you seemed CRAZY IRRATIONAL DELUSIONAL to have reacted to me that way!!!!
WTF is your problem? 
I should not have to deal with this!!!!!

If I am ever to learn to love you better... 
I must take for granted that
your feelings are valid and very personal for you 
They make perfect sense based on the domino effect of your entire life
If I ask and listen... I will see... they make perfect sense to me toooooo...
if i were you.

So if I want to continue to know you...
I must commit to Understanding where my actions left you... and what they remind you of 
from when you were young
and you weren't cared for the way you should have been

AND...At the same time you speak to me...
honouring your feelings of upset
At.... that....exact....same.... time...
.
Please deer friend
consider that I had a reason for my agitation / impatience / upset
that made sense to me too ... right alongside you ... 
but totally (or at least somewhat)
different than yours

MY HURT met YOUR HURT by surprise
in ways we couldn't possibly predict or control

How innocent our hurt actually truly always is...

So after I hear your story of that time
and you hear mine
please KNOW that it doesn't mean your experience is invalid
because I was being hurt
for my own internal confusion map
at the exact same time 
Even though I saw you as rude and sharp 
As you saw me as spastic and weak

The truth will always be... if we are patient and trusting enough to keep going.. 
keep going through the reactions!!!
the attacks!!!
the defense!!!
the cut offs!!!
ahhhhhhh !!!!! the UNRAVELING !!!!
(which can be MESSY AF but keep going... keep going!!!!)
Keep trying... until suddenly the small child behind the defense can be heard
she/he will always break your heart right open when you hear them
because our inner children never want to fight...they always feel very lonely and longing when the adults in us
refuse to listen.

you see...

I have never realized that...
I can be deeply hurt by what you are doing 
and STILL be curious about how you are feeling.

I didn't realize... I can have firm boundaries AND be gentle in my delivery- paying total attention to how your heart receives my NO NO NO.
I love realizing this now.

Now my inner kid (that loves to be with 
your inner kid) can see that...
when the adults fight it doesn't mean cut-off...it can mean deeper intimacy and understanding of each other.
I love getting to know you better and better with each dedicated upset. 
I love you friend. Especially the tender parts that scare me enough to keep trying to grow kinder.

 

 

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