WHO HAS A PARTNER THAT'S AN ADDICT???
this article will address what happens when one partner seems to be "more" addicted then the other partner.
First of all-
disclaimer...I am an addict..you're an addict... we are all addicts!!!
99.9% of the population is addicted to something and it doesn't have to be a substance.
It can be relationship chasing...it can be emotional highs / emotional lows such as complaining and sabotage...
it can be money, belief systems or group ideology.
People can be addicted to searching for spiritual enlightenment...
Addiction is anything you do repeatedly/obsessively
that keeps you from connecting with your immediate environment in an authentic way.
Addiction is anything you repeatedly focus on that hides you from YOU.
Even though it may appear that one partner is more addicted... that's not entirely accurate.
So keep that curiosity in mind whilst we delve into this meaty conversation.
Soooooooooooooooo your partners an addict...are you thinking of breaking up but unable to do it for these reasons?
1) maybe they will change!!!!...they tell me they want to!!...there's so much potential and chemistry here...I'm scared I won't meet someone I feel this way about again!!....I CAN'T LEAVE
2) What a terrible person I'd be to leave my partner when they are struggling so much...how tragically romantic and truly kind I will be if I stick with them. WE"LL MAKE IT THROUGH TOGETHER!!!.... I CAN'T LEAVE
3) I genuinely care about them so much and I don't feel ready to just cut them off.!!!
CAN"T CAN"T CAN"T LEAVE!!
4) I could keep supporting them but end the romantic aspect of our relationship. I can still be a primary support to them whilst withholding the sex part...right??...right??? RIGHT???????
I CAN"T JUST LEAVE!!!!.... CAN I????
When the potential of the relationship
DOES NOT MATCH
what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Am I needing this person to change their lifestyle in order to feel the relationship is worth the effort?
They have to change A LOT before I will ACTUALLY commit but....
until then I'll just keep them around... dangling the commitment carrot as incentive...that should motivate them...right???
What kind of message does that send to your addicted partner?
That they better change or else they're not worthy of love?
That they are being graded and your attention is based on an invisible reward system?
That's a really degrading place for your partner to be.
And it wont work.
It will keep them swinging back and forth between trying to please you by being the"good" partner...and then swinging to the other extreme of rebelling against your approval system because... they might as well...
They will never be good enough for you anyway"...
"Supporting" someone to "change" out of YOUR OWN DISGUISED NEED is not supporting them at all.
there is a HUGE difference between offering support
whilst completely accepting your loved one where they're at
"supporting" them whilst also NEEDING them to change
in order to feel like they are WORTH YOUR TIME and romantic commitment
I have to break it to you...that's YOUR ADDICTION.
The addiction to wishful thinking and fairytale relationships...the addiction to avoiding being alone and facing the creative void that many of us fill with dysfunctional relationship.
If you stop this dynamic...you will have to face being alone.
The creative project of dysfunctional relationship can no longer be how you hide from yourself.
Addiction to relationship is disguised as caring and supporting...but it is also subtle coercion to have the addict MEET YOUR NEEDS...supply your addiction.
...the needs that YOU aren't meeting by connecting to your creativity, purpose and healing path.
What about when your addictive partner talks alot about changing... and says they really really want to????
When the addictive partner talks alot about changing....
BUT (and this is a HUGE BUT)
has not yet immersed themselves in the BORING- MUNDANE- LONELY AS FUCK efforts that make change apart of their everyday lifestyle...that's possibly a trap...
Talking about things feels goooooood...talking about change feels exciting....actually DOING change everyday is HARD WORK
sometimes very boring work
confusing , repetitive, emotional WORK.
In order to truly change an addictive pattern...
one has to do it
FOR MANY MANY MANY LONELY HOURS.
These hours add up to MONTHS and YEARS OF
That finally break free....tip the scales... to A NEW YOU...
that finds JOY CREATIVITY AND CONNECTION OUTSIDE OF ADDICTION and INSIDE THE SELF. YAYAYAYAYA!!!!
ALTHOUGH......That doesn't mean the addict can't receive support and connection in their aloneness travels...
they MUST RECEIVE SUPPORT FROM MANY MANY MANY PLACES and they must (from this inner alone place) learn to ASK FOR HELP from MANY MANY different sources.
The "addictive" partner can ask themselves,
"Am I expecting my romantic partner to be my "savior"?
Am I talking about "changing" my habits to please my partner and keep them around?"
Then change is not coming from the
SACRED ALONE PLACE and therefore will not stick
Facing addiction completely alone means... millions of moments when the addict must chose to do something different
(or more importantly THINK SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT THEMSELVES) no one can do that reflecting for them.
It's DONE ALONE.
THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW THE SELF IS TO GET REALLY REALLY INTIMATE WITH IT...
Two alone choices an addict much learn to face are...
1) HOW TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE (not just romantic partners) and honestly share where they're at.
The choice to change must become a daily conversation...
If the change is gonna become normalized... talking about it must become normalized to!
The more trusted people you reach out to the better.
2) WHAT TO DO WITH THE TIME YOU NORMALLY SPENT IN ADDICTIVE CYCLES
All of these choices are about learning to spend time with the self.
Feeding the self...exercising the self....listening to the self...creating with the self...singing with the self...resting with the self...reaching out to connect with others with the self.....All these choices are done alone...Just the 2 of you.
But these choices must come from self referencing...not from trying to please and pacify a romantic partner.
Sooooooo....What the "non addicted" partner must learn to realise is.... they are also addicted and avoiding aloneness.
we are like magnets. Perfectly attracted magnets. You cannot possibly attract a partner that isn't a direct reflection of your own relationship to self.
It is very tempting to hide behind the idea that the "other" is the addicted one and you're just "trying to help".
The truth is you are (I am also) addicted to searching outside the self for validation.
addicted to "the search" for that perfect someone
addicted to avoiding self reflection ( the "yucky gucky" stuff most importantly)
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS!!!!!
YOU ARE UNIQUELY BEAUTIFUL!!!!
YOUR INTIMATE STORY OF SELF DISCOVERY IS TOTALLY LOVABLE TO JUST THE RIGHT PEOPLE
THERE IS NO SHORTAGE OF LOVE IN THIS WORLD
We all belong together. But we have to start moving our reference points away from outside STIMULATION and moving it in TO THE SELF.
then....when we are constantly internally self referencing we...
1) attract people who love us as much as we have learned to adore ourselves
2) have MASSIVE amounts of love and care to offer self and other
3) are deeply purposeful, creative and spontaneous
4) rarely engage in power struggles, and when we do,
it doesn't last long because self love doesn't allow us to hide/ blame and attack...
IT'S A LOT OF WORK...ALL ALONE...YOU AND YOU...BUT SO FRICKEN WORTH IT....ESPECIALLY WHEN WE ALL COMMIT TO DOING IT...TOGETHER.
What a world it can be.